For the Love of God
by PrinceMittens
Summary: Knowing the future and how to prepare for it was a blessing of reincarnation that I exploited mercilessly. I played the game of life with an enormous advantage and I'd won. I was twenty-two when I found out that I was in Death Note. And you know what? I was going to let Light do his thing. If only he hadn't killed the one person he shouldn't have killed. !OC !(No Wammy House) !AU
1. Chapter 1

**March 13, 2007**

* * *

There was no way. We ran every morning. We ate healthy. His family did not have a history of heart problems. He's only twenty-six years old! There's no way. Absolutely no way he could have had a heart attack.

Except there was.

The Death Note.

 ** _But why?!_**

* * *

 **December 14, 2003**

* * *

"Mary come look at this!"

"Hm?" I hummed from my desk. My attention broke away from the monitor and the mess of computer chips strewn about on my desk. Jay's desk was on the other side of the room. It kept us from being too distracted. "What is it?" I asked as I made my way over.

"Apparently there's a mass killer on the loose."

"That happens from time to time."

"But this one's different."

"How so?" I said from Jay's shoulder. I began to read. ' _Unexpected Criminal Deaths! God Punishing the Wicked of Heart?'_

"So a killer of criminals?" I blinked as I scanned the next few lines.

'... _unexplained supernatural deaths by heart attack...'_

' _...coincidence..'_

…

' _...Kira.'_

I looked at Jay who looked back at me with his best 'earnest' look. I had to give it to him. He was a good actor. He always had been. I grinned. "I see you've discovered Death Note."

Jay managed to look innocently confused. "Death Note?"

I roll my eyes. "You totally wrote that article."

Jay scoffed. "What?"

I laughed.

"Ah Jay. Save me! I can't take this deception any longer!" I put a hand to my forehead and pretended to faint. My body flopped onto the bed and bounced once before going still.

"Mary… I don't-"

"How many chapters have you read?" I asked, snapping back to where I had been before. "I haven't seen Death Note in forever!"

"Mary. I'm not joking. This is a real news source."

I looked. I saw.

I blinked.

 _Unexpected Criminal Deaths! God Punishing the Wicked of Heart?_ The title repeated. I looked to the cube at the top left corner of the monitor. _Box News_. It read. Huh. I was wondering what kind of idiotic conservative news network this was.

Of course.

But that didn't give me plausible deniability. It wasn't even April. "Uhh." I stared, dumbfounded, and began to sway. Jay was on his feet instantly. He put his hands on my shoulder to steady me. "Hey, are you OK?"

I gulped and sat in Jay's chair. I took ahold of the mouse and began scrolling through the article. Then, I went on to google and looked up "Death Note."

Several suicide-related articles came up.

No manga.

Maybe Death Note wasn't released yet? When did they release Death Note again? I couldn't remember. I look up "Kira Heart Attack". The names of several big news sources blinked onto the screen. CBC, New York Times, BBC...

 _Holy Shit._ I clicked into the CBC article titled ' _Criminals Dying by the Dozen Under Strange Circumstances._ And I began to read.

 _Holy mother of all that is profane. Kira is real._

"Yeah. It's surreal." Jay said from behind me. I reach up to touch his face to make sure that he was real. Then, turning on the chair, I kiss him.

* * *

It was 2 A.M. Jay had fallen asleep over an hour ago, and I had classes tomorrow. There was no way I could sleep. How could I? Yagami Light was a real person, and he was in Japan _right now_ , writing into a little black notebook and killing, killing, killing. When my name had been Leanne, Death Note had been one of the few manga that I'd read and enjoyed. There were moments that I would never _never_ forget. The Death God Ryuk's laughter. L's defeat. The last smile of victory in Light's eyes as his nemesis dies in his arms. I'd wanted L to uncover Kira so badly that the moment had put me in a sort of shock. No way. L loses. That genius detective who'd managed to track the untrackable, to find the impossible, to corner someone he should've had no way of even pinpointing from among six billion people.

I'd dropped the series then and had never sought it out again. Until now. And now, the series was gone. In its place were real people. People who lived and breathed the same air that I did, who existed in the same universe that I did. Unbelievable.

I looked at Jay whose breathing was soft and unperturbed. Of course it was. This was his universe. He knew of no other place. He wasn't like me. In fact, there was probably no one else in this whole world who was like me.

I was in Death Note. Literally, and I'd been oblivious for twenty years. It was one helluva revelation, and I wasn't going to get over it in a single night. What should I do now? Do I go and make myself a relevant character to the plot? There was a part of me that wanted to rearrange all my goals. To throw away everything I'd done up to this point to travel to Japan. To save L. To defeat Yagami Light. I would get a chance to meet the man in real life. Like meeting a movie star. He would definitely be handsome. Of that I was certain.

I groaned and clapped my hands against my cheeks. There was no way I was going to go off track. What happened in Japan between Light and L had nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. They were worlds away. Sure Light would begin killing some people who didn't deserve to be killed, but what were a few sacrifices compared to the world peace he'd achieved? It was most likely that neither Jay nor I would have our names ever put into the Death Note. That applied to most people. Most lives would go on without any harm. In fact, with the end of war, cruel government and organized crime, humanity would be enjoying a peace that it would never achieve otherwise.

And then there were the Kira fanatics that caused unrest. Light would eventually see the harm that they contributed to society, and they would be quashed.

Yeah. There was no reason for me to throw my life and plans away to help capture Kira. I was OK with this. Jay and I would live a long happy life without the worry of nuclear war that had been threatening to come about in my time, a time when antagonistic international relations, genocide and war were reluctantly accepted norms.

…

Sorry L.

* * *

 **March 13, 2007**

* * *

The rain roared at me with all the din of a chorus of infinite infinitesimal drums. I shut the door, returning the living room to its quiet peace. This was bad. Staying indoors would be nice, but I had no such luxury. Where in the world did I put that umbrella?

"Hey Jess. Have you seen the umbrella?"

Jess looked up at me from her position on the couch, the glow of the TV giving her face a nice, bright cast. She flipped her eyes back to the TV screen.

"I think Jay took it this morning." Jess said after a moment. "He said he was going to the office."

I immediately take out my phone and dial Jay's number. The dial tone rang once. Twice…

Three times.

" _Hi. This is Jae Song. I'm currently unavailable. Please call me back later. Thank you. Good bye."_

Jay. What the heck are you doing?! Our pitch is _today!_

I opened the door to give the weather another peek. At the same time, Jess raised the TV's volume twofold. The TV blared loud. Too loud. It fought the rain valiantly for control of the sound-space in our apartment.

Yeah I got it Jess. Shutting the door, I went into the room to give my raincoat another chance. It was blue. The raincoat. Blue and useless. It was almost a camisole with its white center and its long transparent sleeves. I had absolutely no idea what possessed me to buy the thing. Then I remembered. _Jay said it looked nice._

Well looking nice wasn't going to keep me from being wet and miserable. Stupid Jay. Getting me to buy useless clothing and then taking my umbrella when I needed it most.

I pulled on the camisole-cum-raincoat. This was going to suck.

"Wow. Are you seriously going out into _that?_ "

I looked over at my roommate who was sunken deep into the couch with a blanket shrouding her form. All that could really be seen of Jess was the head coming out from the top of the mound and the feet coming out from the bottom.

"You know how it is."

"Yeah yeah." Jess replied dismissively. "Those corporate people would be unhappy and you could lose everything if you don't get there freakin' an hour early."

I smiled. Jess's voice was _dripping_ with sarcasm. But if any delays happened, I would have an hour-long buffer. If I arrived early, I would have time to steady my nerves and review what I would say.

"Hey look." Jess sat up out of her blanket burrito. "I don't know about those corporate people but if I were doing a meeting thing and the weather looked like that, I'd 100% totally not care if you didn't arrive early." I shrugged uncertainly and Jess sighed. "Oh well. That's Mary for you."

"That's me." I opened the door again and the living room immediately lost its rosy, warm feeling.

""You really should just get a car."

"Uh huh. Give me the money and I'll buy us both cars." I said. And a raincoat. _A personalized raincoat_ , I thought. One that I wouldn't be sharing with anybody but myself. Jess was right. I wanted a car.

"Jess, _achète-moi une voiture._ "

Jess looked away from her so-called news to grin up at me. " _Achète-mois un manoir d'abord._ "

" _m_ ' _Achète-mois?_ " I made a chopping motion with the blade of my hand.

"What?" Jess stopped for a moment. " _M'achète-mois, M'achète-mois.._ " She repeated with varying degrees of incredulity. "Seriously?! I _can't_ believe you just… _m'achete-mois?!_ "

" _Achète-moi une voiture et j'arrêterais de massacrer la langue française._ "

Jess looked at me. " _M'achète-mois._ " She giggled. "Butchering the French language isn't going to help you convince me."

I made an exasperated noise in my throat. "But it's _raining_ Jess! _S'il te plaît?_ "

"Hey. Your fault for having a shitty raincoat and no backup umbrella."

"Mm." I frowned and took a third look out into the pouring rain, as if looking would make it better. "You want anything from the store when I get back?"

Jess's reply came almost before I could even finish the last syllable of my question: "Ice cream and pizza!" She said.

"How about just ice cream?" I suggested. "We still have groceries to cook away."

"Yeah but it's all _healthy food!_ " Jess complained. "I want pizza. The kind with bacon and ham and all the meat and grease I could ever get."

I nodded. "Monkey-brain and dog-liver pizza then. With lard-paste instead of tomato sauce." Throwing open the front door, I shied away from the sheer volume of water in front of me.

A tiny "ew-gross", almost inaudible against the rain, emitted from behind me. How could water be so loud? I slipped on my sandals and picked up the garbage bag I had left at the door. "Well!" I declared loudly to myself. "At least I have it better than most people!"

Carrying the garbage bag, I forged out into the rain and was immediately soaked. Yeah. Thanks raincoat. You were _most_ helpful. Umbrella is infinitely superior..

Oh my umbrella. Jay probably had it sitting forlorn and unused at his office doorway.

 _Vestibule._

I'd thought Jay knew that we had that pitch today. Why was he at his office? And why hadn't he gotten back by now?

The clouds grumbled ominously as I went down the stairs of cement carved into the hillside. Then there was the parking lot., a long stretch of road, and the bus stop.

Two boys stood at opposite ends of the bench under the bus-stop shelter. Both of them had umbrellas. One of them looked away when my eyes glanced over at him. Cute.

Taking up the space between the two of them, I fell into silent contemplation.

If Uber had existed in this timeline, this afternoon wouldn't be so bad. The thought made me feel a bit better about being cold and wet and miserable. I was from the future. 2017, about a decade from today. Jay and I could totally build Uber when mobile devices became more ubiquitous. And invest in Google. When I have more capital - which should be soon, I'm putting it all into Google. The best time to buy would be during the 2008 recession. Then I could watch it appreciate fivefold. Sure I never was very invested in the stock market per se, but I did remember seeing Google jumping from one to seven hundred when I wasn't paying attention.

Money hacks were an awesome part of knowing the future. In fact, if I had known that I would be born again in 1981, I would have memorized some past lottery numbers before the heart attack. Not even the rain would stop me. I could do anything. If I wanted, I could easily get a nice, cushy high-end job with the academic and career record I've managed to wrack up. I could be a wealthy woman. Much wealthier than Leanne Sun had been in 2017 before her twenty year old heart had given out for no reason. Some might consider the thought small-minded. Some might say that it was my duty to devote my time to preventing world tragedies that I knew of. Right. As if I could somehow stop a plane from crashing into a building that was nearly 2000 miles away. Where would I even start? What could anyone possibly expect me to do? Why would coming from another timeline make me responsible for everything that happened in this one? I was only one human, a fairly average one at that.

I deserved to live my life the way I wanted. To live my life to the fullest before my inevitable second death. With Jay. Money hacks were great. Money hacks, social aptitude, an early awareness of what I needed to achieve in order to do well. These were all gifts given to me by my having lived it all once before. I was lucky. Blessed, and I would use my blessings to their fullest extent.

And then, when I'm more settled down, I could maybe entertain the thought of having a kid or two. A boy and a girl, just to be even. Jay would make a wonderful father. I just know it.

My hair was wet and I was sneezing in fits by the time I walked into the office. I was barely on time. There had been a bus delay due to traffic. It seemed everyone wanted to drive their cars when it rained. It was a good thing I'd left two hours early. Ha! Take that, Jess!

I sneezed twice more as I entered into the interview room after having explained who I was and that I was alone to represent my 'company'. Thanks a lot Jay. Behind the large, shiny desk, two men and one woman watched me walk in with their pitiless eyes. "Hello Ms. Oldsman." Said the woman with a kindly smile. She paused.

"Hello." I said, despite my developing headache. One of the men looked at me with an unreadable expression. The other was blatantly scrutinizing me. Only the woman exuded any feeling of comfort. She was the good cop. The other two were the bad cops.

I sneezed; a suppressed compression of air that left me feeling dizzy.

"Please sit down."

I nodded and tried to feel dignified as I strolled to my seat.

"My name is Julia Sand. These are my colleagues, David Tu and Calvin Herbertson. We are the company's representatives that will be speaking with you today."

David pushed a tissue box across the desk. "Here young lady. You look like you'll be needing those."

"Thank you." I said gratefully and reached for the box.

"Now." The woman named Julia said with her kindly voice. "I'm sure you know who we are and what we do here at this company. What you've presented to us was… interesting. If you'd please, Ms. Oldsman, tell us more about it. Tell us more about your company, and tell us why we would want to invest in this _system_ of yours. " Julia folded her hands in front of the desk. She looked smart with her dress shirt and her tie. Her hair was very well done. I'd bet it took her most of her morning to put it up in those curls. Not like mine. Damp and clingy from the rain. The only saving grace I had was my formal wear that I'd managed to keep dry in a garbage bag during my trek through the torrent rain. Oh well. It wasn't as if they were here to buy my hair..

I looked down at my notepad for reassurance. Then, looking back up at this gathering of entrepreneurs, I began to talk.

* * *

 **-Intermission-**

* * *

I could have called any number of people to pick me up from the office and drive me back to campus. I looked through my contacts list. Amy, Alliyah, Arnold, Ben #1, Ben #2, …

I scrolled down.

Jared. Jamie B, Jamie W, Jane.

Jay.

Standing under the overhang sticking out the company office building, I stared out into the rain. This was his fault. I hated calling for such a stupid favor and wasting people's time, but I hated the idea of walking through the sheer wall of rain again. Jay could be so thoughtless sometimes. He was so getting an earful the next time he hears from me. I grumble something to the same effect.

A few feet ahead of me, I could see a rapid torrent of water racing along the sides of the road, splashing up onto the sidewalk against some protrusion: a clot of branches getting bigger and more clotted as debris being carried along the stream gathered. Yeah. I wasn't going out into that.

I flipped open my primitive flip phone and decided to dial Bennie. She had a car. I'll promise to owe her a favor. We could go out on a double date. I get to hang out with Bennie _and_ I get to get out of this horrible, horrible rain. As I waited for Bennie to pick up her phone, I saw a dead squirrel floating down the sidewalk river.

Yeah.

No.

* * *

 **Intermission**

* * *

"So.. did you get it?" Bennie asked offhandedly almost as soon as I got into the shotgun seat of her purple 1990 Toyota. It was warm. It was dry. Thank god for AC.

"What? Get what?"

Bennie put a hand to the shoulders of her driver's seat and gave me a deadpan. "Mary. I'm kicking you out. Sorry. My car only drives honest passengers."

I widened my eyes with theatrical horror. "Oh please Bennie's car. I won't do it again. I'll be a totally honest girl from now on. Please don't kick me out." I pointed at the dead squirrel outside. "I'll- I'll _die_ out there!"

Bennie looked outside and saw it. "Whoa." She said in astonishment. "Fine." Without another word, she turned back to the wheel. _Goodbye squirrel_ , I thought as we pulled away from the sidewalk.

"I want Brit and Chips, Mary."

"Tonight?"

"Tonight's as good as any."

"Is Ben #2 free?"

"He should be. And stop calling him Ben #2."

I grin. "Let's go pick him up."

"Wow. Someone's generous today."

"I know. And what do you think about Ikanos?"

"Ikanos. Costs too much. Would never go there."

"What if I told you I have two million dollars of down payment sitting in my bank account right now."

Bennie gasped.

"And we're getting 5% for every device that uses our system."

"YOU DID IT!" Bennie exclaimed and jumped. She hit her head on the low ceiling of her car. "Ow!" She rubbed her head. "You did it!" She repeated a little less vehemently.

"Yeah." I couldn't help but smile. "We did it."

My best friend began to laugh and cry at the same time. And then, before I knew what she was doing, Bennie jumped at me and suddenly, I was being squeezed to death in her arms. "Ah!" I choke out. "Bennie! You're driving! The car! _The car!_ "

The car began to swerve, and my heart jumped to my throat. I made a wild grab at the wheel and managed to avoid what would have been a head on collision straight into oncoming traffic. It was at this point that Bennie realized what she'd done. She returned to the wheel. "Woops! Sorry!"

I sink back into my chair with relief. "You almost _killed us!_ "

Bennie giggled, the euphoria still running high in her head. "I'm sorry Mary. I can't believe it. _I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!_ " She shouts. "You're _rich!_ "

Bennie's mood was beginning to affect mine because I started laughing too. "You'd better believe it. I can't wait to tell Jay. If only he'd turn on his phone. I've been trying to call him for a while now."

"He's probably writing his blog. Blogging. I still can't get over that word. Anyway, you know how he gets when he's writing."

"Yeah." I agreed, unconvinced. Jay always had his phone on just in case I decided to call him and vice versa. The only time he had it off was during the night where he'd have it charging on our bed stand. He was very regular about it. Meticulous. I guess even Jae Song could slip up on his quotidian habits.

As we neared Bennie's apartment, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Fishing it out from my pocket, I saw Jay's number scrolling across the screen. About time. Stealing my umbrella _and_ missing my calls? Unacceptable. I answered the phone. "Jay! Did you know the pitch was today?! And it's raining?! And that I delivered it alone?! Hello? Say something!"

"Mary." The voice that answered me was not Jay's voice.

"Uh. Who are you?"

"It's me, Kelvin… Mary, I uh-..." Kelvin trailed off. Right. Kelvin. One of Jay's co-workers. Jay had invited him to our apartment a few times. The guy with the nicely managed facial hair. That guy.

"Right, Kelvin. Hi. Is there any reason you're calling me from Jay's phone? Where's Jay?"

I heard Kelvin gulp audibly, as if he was going to cry. "Jay is…"

I began to worry. My guts start to sink, and the high I had been feeling only a few moments earlier dissipated completely.

"Mary?" Bennie asked, looking at me with concern. The car was parked now. On the roadside.

I stared at Bennie. "Kelvin. _Tell me_."

"Jay had a heart attack. They couldn't save him. He's.. he's-"

"What?" I blink once. Twice. Ten times.

"He's-... I'm sorry. I'm at the Health Centre right now. At the ER. We-"

I dropped the phone. Bennie was looking at me with horror. I stare right back at her. What day was it? What was today?

My body began to shake violently. Gasps of air went in and out of my lungs. Papery. Hoarse. My eyes were hot. My throat felt stuck.

 _heart attack_

 _couldn't save him_

A small wail escaped my throat as tears began pouring out. Like rain. It was still raining outside. And they _couldn't save him_.

There was no way. We ran every morning. We ate healthy. His family did not have a history of heart problems. He's only twenty-six years old! There's no way. Absolutely no way he could have had a heart attack. Except there was.

I sagged in my seat, every muscle loose.

 _Oh my god_.

Bennie was holding me. Comforting me.

 _This is a joke_.

My nose was running freely. Bennie's coat was being soiled. I couldn't see. My throat constricted, and I was gasping. Spasming. Sobbing several hiccups a second. i couldn't stop, could hardly breath.

 _Why?!_

* * *

 **Rewrite! :-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**December 1, 2003**

* * *

"He's killing investigators. Innocent men and women." I announced, scanning through the article.

"Who?" Jay asked lazily from across the table. The chatter in the mess hall was not too loud that I couldn't be heard.

I rolled my eyes. "You know who."

Jay looked at me thoughtfully. "Lord Voldemort?"

Lord Voldemort. I imagined Yagami Light a bald, pale, snake-ish man with a raspy voice and a nonexistent nose, and I giggled. "Come on Jay. There are no investigators in Harry Potter."

"Of course there are. Wasn't there an investigation department in the MInistry of Magic?"

"No. There wasn't." I knew. I'd read the series so many times. If there had been an investigation department it was so shoddy that it wasn't even worth mentioning. I couldn't wait for Rowling to write the Half-blood Prince again. Couldn't wait to see Jay's reaction when the truth behind the Severus Snape's villainous character was revealed. Jay hated Snape. I loved Snape.

"Huh. I could've sworn there was." Jay scratched at his head. "Kira's obviously just some guy."

"Or girl." I chirped.

"Or girl." Jay agreed. "But psychopathy is a psychological condition more likely to manifest in males than in females. Just general statistics. I think it's wrong, what he's doing."

"Definitely wrong, but look at what he's achieved. We have peace. All wars have stopped. Terrorism is dead. Crime is at an all time low. I think a few investigators is worth all that, don't you?"

"Mm." Jay hummed. "I don't know. There must be some other way to do it without taking the lives of those who have never nor intend to ever commit crime."

"I know. I think so too." I put the article away. I already knew what was happening. Light and his massive ego… what a pity. "You're right. Kira's only human, and he has to be messed up in the head to be willing to kill so many people the way he does. Innocent people too."

"How does he do it though?"

I shook my head and didn't reply. I wasn't sure why I wasn't telling Jay. If I told him, I would be telling him that I wasn't me. I wasn't Mary Oldsman. I was a shy, withdrawn girl whose name was Leanne. I didn't want to be Leanne again. Leanne was full of regrets. Mary was not. Yeah. Pretty shitty reasoning but there it was. Jae Song would never have dated Leanne Sun; it was my deepest insecurity.

I made a chopping motion with my palm. "He gets your name and face and _whammo!_ You're dead."

"Yeah, that's what the ICPO said on the broadcast last month. It's true that he's brought some measure of peace. Would you worship him for it though?"

" _Worship_ him?" I scoffed. "I wouldn't worship him even if he really _were_ some kind of god. Those people who worship him… they're a bunch of idiots."

Jay chuckled and took a mouthful of cereal.

I winced. "Stop eating that!"

"Why? It's delicious."

I tried to take the bowl away. "Because you're lactose intolerant. Give that to me!"

* * *

 ** **March 13, 2007****

* * *

"Hey. You'll survive this. I'm here for you." A hand smoothed over my back. I didn't reply. My voice was gone and I was still gasping from how heavily I'd been sobbing. My throat hurt. It was like I'd swallowed a handful of serrated barbs. And somehow they'd made it to my heart.

"I'm driving you there." Bennie said. I looked helplessly at her. All the money in the world..

I saw tears in Bennie's eyes. She was crying too. Not as badly as I'd been, but her eyes were distinctly puffy, and visible trails crawled down the surface of her cheeks. "I'll drive you there." Bennie repeated hoarsely. My bottom lip trembled as I nodded.

"Ok."

* * *

 **Hospital**

* * *

"Mary Oldsman, I presume. I'm Marc Hamelin, the head surgeon of the emergency operation of Mr. Jae Song." The man wearing the white coat and surgeon's hat strapped on his head was looking at me. With pity. I almost broke down in tears again. This was real. This was actually happening.

I swallowed and nodded. "Jay…" I managed to say before my throat closed in on itself. I couldn't even say his name. No control over myself. No control of my emotions. _Jay_.

"We did all we could." The doctor said. "We received a call this morning from a friend of his immediately after the heart attack happened. We had a chance to save him. The call was made only seconds after Mr. Song had begun to feel pains in his chest. But there was nothing we could do. There were no records, nothing to show that he could have had this attack naturally. I'm afraid this might have been the work of, well, _unnatural_ forces."

"Kira." Bennie whispered from my side. "Why?"

The doctor sighed. "He's in the mortuary now. We've washed him up so if you want to see him…"

I shook my head vehemently. I couldn't. I couldn't see him. The body was nothing. It was not him. It was just a body. An object. A thing. I couldn't see him like that. "I can't."

"I understand." The doctor said. "One of my assistants will be here to talk to you about funeral arrangements in a few moments. I must go. Excuse me."

And then the doctor was gone, and I was alone. All alone.

"I can't believe this is happening." Bennie said quietly. "I mean, what could Jay possibly have done to piss off Kira?"

 _Kira._ A new emotion fought and suppressed the sinking depression that had rooted itself in my core. It rose and took a seat on the throne that dictated what I felt. I knew what it was. A rush of chemicals. A chemical reaction. It was Kira's fault.

 _Yagami Light._

I wasn't going to get Jay back, but there was something else I could certainly do. "I'm going back to Japan. I'm- I'm not coming back."

"Japan?" Bennie did a double take. "But what about that contract? Your… money?" Bennie said the last word with hesitation. "I thought you wanted to teach in France."

 _France?!_ I laughed. My god. I still had humor in me. How could I have any humor in me at all?! _How?!_ "Jay wanted to go to France. He's always- always thought th-that France w-would be wh-where w-w-we'd get-"

I stuttered and my throat and voice betrayed me. I couldn't talk about Jay. It was crushing me. Knowing that he was gone was crushing me.

"Mary Oldsman?" A man approached us. The doctor's assistant. Kelvin was with him.

"Mary… hi." Kelvin said quietly.

I didn't reply. Couldn't. I was crying again, and my throat wasn't working. I could feel the tears hot against my eyes and my cheeks.

"Hey Kelvin." Bennie greeted somberly.

"Hey Bennett."

The assistant looked between us as my friend and acquaintance did their introductions. It was only when they didn't speak any more that he started to talk to me. The funeral arrangements. I couldn't deal with this right now. I didn't want to deal with this right now. Jay was dead and here we were talking about his funeral.

"Excuse me," I croaked. "I need to… to go. Where is the restroom?"

The assistant looked at me strangely and _damned everything just tell me where the restroom is._ I glared. Or tried to. The tears didn't help.

"Down the hall. Two left turns."

I nodded and stalked off.

"Wait, Mary!"

I went through the halls blindly, not knowing where I was going. To the left? Right? I went and saw no restroom sign.

No. That wasn't true. I did know where I was going.

Two lefts.

I was going to to my place of birth. It was pretty obvious now, in hindsight, why I had been born and raised in Japan as a kid - why Gary Oldsman had decided to marry a Japanese woman. Whoever, whatever had put me here had also wanted me to be a part of… whatever _this_ was. And I'd gone and did the exact opposite. I'd taken the first opportunity I'd gotten to leave Japan, to attend a university in Canada where I plotted schemes to make myself rich, where I had planned my future with-

…

My mind went blank.

There was a reason I was fluent in Japanese. In French. In more languages than I'll ever really need to use in my lifetime.

It was all so that I could kill Yagami Light of course. And I was going to do just that. I was going to Japan to murder that self-righteous psychopath, to fulfill my life purpose.

Pretty fucking obvious in hindsight.

* * *

 **March 18, 2007**

* * *

The black and white calligraphy painted four large black letters on the cover of the magazine.

" _Must Peace Come at the Cost of Freedom?"_ The title blared.

Underneath, in smaller font: _The Dictatorship of Kira_ by Jae Song

... Why?

Why did you write this article? What were you _thinking Jay?!_ I bit my lips to keep from screaming. I wanted to scream. So Kira was actively suppressing the media now? I didn't remember Light doing that. All I remembered was his killing the investigators. To snub L and to discourage people from trying to find out who he was. I didn't think this would happen, that he would go so far.

This was all my fault. I should've done something, anything, back when I had the chance. I could've flown to Japan. I had the credentials. I was a native half-Japanese. My mother was still a resident. I could've taught English, math, any number of subjects at Light's high school. Or at To-Oh. There had even been an international exchange position where I could've been interned as a research assistant. I did go and hack myself a perfect academic record using my preternatural knowledge after all. I could _easily_ have gotten a position. It was an idea I'd entertained on idle nights, when I considered what I could have done if I _had_ decided to intervene. I had a pretext to be in Japan, to be in the vicinity of the Yagami family.

But I hadn't done it. I'd trusted some random Japanese-born psychopath to deliver his justice to make the world a better place. Wasn't defeating L enough? What did suppressing the media achieve?! Why? Why? Why? Why?! WHY?!

"WHY?!" I roared and threw the magazine across the room. It flailed violently, valiantly, and landed on the floor in a crinkled mess.

I could still go. Yagami Sayu would be in high school right now. That was a start. I would look for the Yagami family. Somewhere in the Kanto Region. I had to narrow it down. Do a search by city, by police departments. I could get names. I could get a job.

I could kill that evil, conceited son of a bitch who called himself Kira.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'll miss you."

We share an embrace as people shuffle past us toward the shuttle gates. "I'll miss you too, Bennie." I whisper. "I wish…"

I don't finish my sentence, but Bennie understood. She'd always understood me. One of few. Maybe that was why I'd loved her as much as I did.

"Me too." Bennie said into my ear.

I saw Ben #2 looking at us. Looking at Bennie's butt.

 _Fuck you Ben #2._

Kelvin was there too. I saw Jess and Andre. There was Marlin wearing the same business suit. Larry, Skyler. Jon with his arm tattoo and distinctive orange hair. Hannah. Sarah. Names. Names. Names. My closest friends and some of Jay's friends, all of them here to see me off. I'd played the game of connections, and I'd won. I had people who cared about me, who I cared for in return.

I gave Bennie one last squeeze. "I have to go." I said. I made to retreat by loosening my arms, but found that I couldn't.

"Don't forget about us, ok?" Bennie said angrily as she held me. "Don't forget that we're waiting for you here, that some of us would be sad if you were to just completely disappear from our lives."

I knew immediately what Bennie was alluding to. She was afraid I'd commit suicide. _Oh Bennie.._

The intercom broadcast chimed a loud melody. " _ **Flight 312A will take off in thirty minutes. All passengers please board the shuttle at Gate A2."**_

The message was repeated again in French, and Bennie let me go. "Stay in touch."

"I will."

I looked up at the gathering of people and smiled. "Thank you all. I…" I was at a loss for words. All I had was gratitude and that was all I could give them. " _Thank you._ "

Bennie looked ready to cry again, and so I waved and quickly began walking toward the terminal. " _Adieu,_ Mary!" I heard Jess call.

"Take care of yourself!" One of the guys yelled.

"Mary Oldsman! We're here for you!"

I showed my ticket to the woman at the gate. The ticket was torn apart, and a piece of its remains were handed back to me. Without looking the woman in the eyes, without looking back, I strolled into the tunnel.

I heard one last " _Au revoir!"_ as I rounded a bend. Au revoir. A wish conveyed in three syllables. Would I return? I wasn't sure. Killing Light could be easy. I could simply carry a knife in my pocket. A complete stranger who he would have absolutely no reason to suspect. And then I would have him and he'd be dead.

The most difficult part of any murder wasn't the actual murdering, but the ability to do it without getting caught.

If only I had a Death Note.

The intercom began to broadcast almost the moment I sat down. A series of notes escalated.

" _ **Hello. And welcome to Air Canada. All passengers must have their seatbelts fastened during takeoff. The plane will be departing shortly.**_ "

Scaling down. Bing-bing-bing-bing. A distraction from my thoughts.

I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I could definitely kill Kira. But what would I do after? I didn't know. I'd have to have a better plan than just walking up and stabbing him if I wanted to get away with it. If I even wanted to get away with it. Did I?

I'd always felt detached from the other students when I was attending school in Japan. I didn't make any real friends in Japan. Even with an entire decade to adjust, I was never able to adapt to the hyper-conservative nature of Japanese culture and thought. To me, my classmates were nothing more than children.

Bennie had been my first true friend (Leanne Sun had had no friends.) She'd lived down the hall of my dorm room in McGill during my freshman year. We hadn't really been friends then. Just acquaintances who did a few activities together within the context of larger groups. It was second year when we both applied to be teaching assistants to the same course that our relationship really hit off. Sheer coincidence. I remember the nights we'd stayed up grading piles of homework together. I'd take a break and buy her coffee. She'd do the same to pay me back. We'd jog together in the mornings; eat breakfast together; talk about our work, our lives, and our goals. Bennie was one of the few who understood the world in the same way that I did.

We shared secrets. We bonded. It was Bennie who'd introduced me to-

…

To throw myself away would be the same as declaring my life to be unimportant; I would be basically saying that the people who I knew and loved weren't worth living for.

These were all thoughts I'd pondered over endlessly in the last two weeks. My emotions would wax and wane during that time. Inconsistent and sometimes intangible. There was only one response I could elicit from myself that was consistent.

 _Jay_.

 _ **Bing-bing-bing-bing**_

" _ **Ladies and gentlemen. We are ready for take off. We will be arriving at Toronto in just over one hour. Please enjoy the flight and thank you for choosing Air Canada. Have a pleasant flight.**_ "

The plane's engine roared, giving my heart voice. A fire burned in the back of my eyes, searing, scalding. Moist. I existed for one purpose and only one purpose: to kill Yagami Light. Nothing else mattered. Nothing was going to hold me back. I was not going to risk any failure, not even for my friends, and definitely not for myself.

My heart was stone; I would not waver.

* * *

 **Transfer**

* * *

Toronto was the hub of planes. I went from one plane to the next. One moment in stasis, the next moment in the air, moving at a little under the speed of sound. I'd given my mother a call during that interim. I'd told her that I was going home. She had been ecstatic, even though her words had not been spoken to that effect. I know. I wasn't a very good daughter. I rarely called home, rarely even thought of home. I had been so engaged with my future plans that I'd left my mother to live by herself for eight years. I periodically sent her money, knowing that it wasn't enough.

I felt like a massive traitor; my homecoming would be brief, and I would disappoint my mother even more than my father had. I'd let my mother down by leaving her to years of solitude; I was an ingrate. I was going to let my friends down. I'll probably never see them again. And me. I had let myself down. By settling into complacency, believing the security of my future, I'd done whatever I wanted without thought to consequence. I should have stopped Kira when I'd had the chance. Or at least tried.

And now-

...

too little too late.

For the thirteen hours I was in the air, I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I was so angry. Angry at myself for being so stupid. Angry at some stranger I'd never seen in real life for being the crazy, fucked up man that he was. I was angry... at _Jay_.

 _for writing that article._

Jay... my jaw tightened as I tried to hold myself together. This was ridiculous. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The sounds of a busy airport greeted me as I stepped out of the terminal. The characters on the sign above my head blared loud and green.

東京  
日本

Tokyo. I swayed. My eyes felt heavy, exhausted.

Where?

Where are you? Where did you live? Where was your family? Which city? Which district? Which house?

 _Where are you?_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: FOR THE LOVE GOD I NEED TO STOP UPDATING MY STORY BEFORE I EDIT THE CHAPTER Q.Q**

* * *

 **January 4, 2007: Yagami Sayu**

* * *

The psychologist comes in and sits down in front of me. Hayakawa Nojiko. She sits in front of me and smiles. "Good morning, Sayu. How are you doing?"

Hi. Hello. How are you? Is today any different from yesterday? Or tomorrow? Did it matter?

I didn't answer her. Nojiko was wearing a bra under her flannel shirt. I could see its ridges despite the obscuring checker pattern. Black. Buttons and red. Talking. Torture.

"Sayu. I know it's hard, but I want you to tell me how you're feeling right now. If you don't talk, I won't know how to help you get better."

The gun was on my head. The leering smiles that surrounded me were cold and ruthless. I was a liability, a pawn. My life culminated on that one moment, that one purpose. And my purpose was done.

"Your brother Light is worried about you. I heard the university is giving you a chance to go back. You can resume from where you left off."

 _ **HAND OVER THE NOTEBOOK OR SHE DIES. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. 10 SECONDS. DO IT NOW**_

"Ms. Yagami. Is there anything we can do to help you?"

Father was holding me, was crying with relief. With guilt. And then Father had died. And it was my fault and why did I bother doing anything at all when something like that could happen to me at anytime. There was no security. It was better if I didn't do anything at all. I would be unimportant. No one would notice me. No one would care to do anything to me.

In a world where any amount of publicity or significance to your name raised the risk of death, being nobody, nothing, meant I could be safe. Or as safe as I ever could be.

 _ **SHUT UP OR I SWEAR ON MY LIFE YOU WILL END UP LIKE HER**_

Ruthless. Ruthless. There were no mercy in those eyes.

Hayakawa Nojiko spoke to me for another 30 minutes, which was the time she had been paid to attend to me. I kept my eyes riveted on her chest. The clock on the left wall clicked and clacked. Time withered away. What did it matter? All of it, everything was a joke. A sham. Nothing was real. Except that bra-line.

Putting down her notepad and pen, Hayakawa Nojiko looked at her wrist. "We'll speak again tomorrow. If there's anything, anything I can do, please let me know. I want to help you. You're not alone, do you understand?"

 _ **Sayu. I'm sorry. I'm a failure. Your father is a failure.**_

Hayakawa Nojiko wheeled me out to the lobby where Yagami Sachi waited to receive me. Yagami Sachi and Hayakawa Nojiko spoke for a few moments. Yagami Sachi nodded understandingly, despairingly. There was a sort of alarm to her voice. She seemed tired. So very tired. I heard promises of recovery, of some response I supposedly made on stimulus.

Yagami Sachi attempts to provide the same stimulus. My eyes remained on their legs: a lower plane of existence. A mumbled excuse, something about variation and spontaneity of response, was passed from one woman to the other. Hayakawa Nojiko was a liar. If Light were here, he'd know immediately. He'd denounce Hayakawa Nojiko for her dishonest practices, for being full of empty words and lies, and he'd take me away. To someone else. Or he could spend time with me and try to help me himself. He would certainly be capable of doing that. Light was capable of anything.

* * *

 **January 28, 2007**

* * *

I laid in bed all day today, stewing in my own waste. Mother had had a breakdown.

She'd come in today. I had let my bowels loose on my bed. I felt disgusting. I felt like an animal. Maybe Mother would stop caring if I became like this. Why was I doing this to her? Why couldn't I just be normal again? Why couldn't I clean up my own shit?

She'd slapped me. I remembered being unable to withhold my feeling of betrayal, of sadness, as she snapped her palms at me. Externally, I hadn't reacted. I'd sat there silently as I took the brunt of Yagami Sachi's fury and self-pity. I had been left alone that day to dirty the linen and to starve. I wanted to die. If Yagami Sachi wanted me alive, then I would stay alive, but if she stopped caring, I would die. It was that simple.

 _ **SHUT UP**_

There would be one more outburst after that. And then there was resignation. I hadn't been abandoned yet. I was Yagami Sachi's emotional crutch. She needed me.

* * *

 **February 8, 2007**

* * *

Light was home, and despite everything, I became selfish again.

 _Help me, Light._ I thought as I stared into his brown eyes. He regarded me for a long time without saying a single word.

 _Help me_.

He looked so sad.

 _ **Your father is a failure**_

It was my fault that dad was dead. My fault. I began to cry silently as we stared at each other. I was pleading Light to stay even though I didn't want to. Light... I didn't know what Light was thinking, but he left soon after telling me about how everything was Kira's fault and that he would do all he could to catch Kira. He gave me one apology before leaving. He didn't care enough about me to stay. I understood, but I was still hurt.

Goodbye Light.

* * *

 **December 20, 2007**

* * *

Time passed quickly, like a smear of paint struck across a canvas; a blur. One day, a woman comes to the door of the Yagami household. Not the first, and certainly not the last. Yagami Sachi pops the door open, glad to have a visitor and probably wishing it was Light. Light lived with Amane Misa now. He came home once every several months. "I'm busy." He'd say. Compared to the important things he was doing, his family was trivial. Light was doing everything he could to fight the forces that were responsible for the death of Yagami Souichiro. As he should. I didn't matter, and that was exactly where I should be.

Father… Father died for me. It was all because I had made myself matter, when I was more stupid and selfish. Light would be different. With the way we were going, Light would not give his life to save me. He shouldn't. He was more important than I could ever be in any capacity. I wouldn't be the one dragging him down; it's the only way I can help.

The woman was brought in, and they came to the living room.

"Sayu." Yagami Sachi's voice rang hollowly in my ears. "We have a visitor."

I look up briefly. The woman looked strange. A foreigner?

"She's a researcher from… the West. Her name is Mary… Ole-duh-su-ma-nu?"

"Oldsman." The woman corrected. "Mary Oldsman."

Definitely a foreigner. The foreigner, Mary Oldsman, knelt and looked up at me. "Yagami Sayu. Hi. I heard about you from one of my colleagues a few months ago. Your case is exceedingly rare. A level of post-traumatic stress never before documented. According to my colleague, they've tried all kinds of treatment to 'cure' you, both verbal… and physical."

 _ **Speak**_

 _-A buzz of current-_

 _ **Speak**_

I opened my mouth and trembled soundlessly. No words came out. Yagami Sachi had put a stop to it almost immediately. After she found out.

Mary Oldsman blinked with a look of surprise in her pretty green eyes. Her Japanese was good for a foreigner. Was she a half?

"You haven't spoken a word since you came back from America."

She watches me carefully, forcing my eyes to meet hers. I blurred her out and stopped focusing. I'd become quite good at it. Losing focus. I could sit like this for hours. For days. Forever. It's not like it would make any difference. A world with Yagami Sayu is no different from a world without Yagami Sayu. Better, in fact. At least I was still here.

I knew that if I wasn't, Mother would become unstable. She would not live long. I was sure of it. Mother needed me alive. Neither of us were really important. We were hindrances, but Yagami Sachi… was my mother.

The foreigner stood. "Mrs. Yagami. I'd like to study your daughter. I've already made arrangements. If you're willing, I would like to live here for a time."

"Live here?"

"Yes. The research facility will pay all expenses. I will be observing your daughter around the clock, and I'll also be helping you take care of her."

"Help-?.. How long?"

Was that hope I heard in her voice? Hope that I would recover? Or was it hope borne from the fact that she could be relieved from having to attend to my every need for a time?

"I'm not sure. It will depend on what I see in the first few days. I can apply for a grant extension of up to six months. Maybe more. It all depends on whether or not there is any hope in recovery."

"Is there?"

"If it's a psychological condition, then I know there is. If it's a physiological condition, then there really isn't much I can do. I would refer you to a brain tissue recovery specialist and that would be that. A brain scan can deliver information that will be useful in gauging whether or not there is any significant physical component contributing to her symptoms. There are several brain-imaging technology that she will have to go through."

"That sounds expensive. I don't know if we have the money."

If all else failed, Light had money. Yagami Sachi was well aware of that. The less we paid the better. I already knew what choice Yagami Sachi would make. Very tactful. I was sure she would be willing to pay any sum to make me 'better', but it was always prudent to try to offload any expenses that might be incurred.

"Money won't be an issue. As I've said, this is a research opportunity, and it is you who will be catering to our interests." I hear something rustle. "Please read these documents carefully, Mrs. Yagami. All details of the arrangement are written therein. If you find the terms to be agreeable, I ask you solidify our agreement by signing below."

I heard Yagami Sachi flip through the pages much too quickly for her to have really read anything in enough detail. Maybe the font was really large.

"This seems almost too good to be true." Yagami Sachi said. There was a lot of hope in that voice, hope that I hadn't heard her exhibit since Doctor Kurotsuchi Mayuri had promised that he would cure me. Before Kurotsuchi Mayuri started physical treatment. My fingers trembled at the memory. There was the scratching sound as a signature was put on paper.

"Your thumb prints too. Yours and your daughter's."

"That too?"

"Yes. Identification is extremely important, Mrs. Yagami." A stern tone. "Especially considering the investment that might be put into the research."

"Of course. Of course." Yagami Sachi backpedalled. "Of course it is. When will you be moving in?"

"The contract is effective immediately on the date you provide your signature, which is today. I'll return tomorrow, Mrs. Yagami. I have various equipment and personal effects that I would like to ready before I move in."

There was the sound of packing as Yagami Sachi spoke some ingratiating pleasantries. And then the packing was done and the voices distanced themselves from me. Words were exchanged at the door, and I couldn't quite hear.

There was a click as the door was shut. Moments later, Yagami Sachi returned to the living room.

"Sayu!" The woman was practically in tears. "There's hope! Oh thank the gods there's hope!"

I didn't say a word. The world was a blur, and it would remain so. It must.

* * *

 **December 21, 2007**

* * *

Mary Oldsman appeared very early in the morning. Apparently Yagami Sachi had arranged for her to come as soon as possible. Or was it the other way around? It was raining, and I lay in my bed, feeling existence weighing down on me. Best to not think on it. Best to not think anything. Mary Oldsman was brought in and the two woman discussed arrangements.

Yagami Sachi went into great detail over how to care for me. How to feed me. How to keep me clean. How to handle my ingestion of food. The tubes they put into me to get me to eat. And to shit. There was the combing of my hair, my daily walk, my visit to the psychiatrist Hayakawa Nojiko who was a liar and who Light could've instantly identified as a liar if only he'd cared. There were the times that I was to be taken out for exercise, and there were the massage and stretch techniques that were done to keep my muscles from atrophying.

There was the scratching of something being written on paper as Yagami Sachi talked. After the exchange of words, my new caretaker helped to carry my body to the wheelchair. I felt like a sack. Being dumped on the chair. An object that had to be attended to and discussed.

I was laid down in the tub, propped up to keep from sinking. Yagami Sachi demonstrated washing me. My new caretaker helped. I'd thought she would be taking notes.

Something pinched at my skin. "I'd expected her to be a lot skinnier." Mary Oldsman noted. "There's fat on her sides. You're feeding her quite well."

"Ah." Yagami Sachi ah'd. "There was a doctor and a nurse who had experience caring for comatose patients. My son brought them to the house."

"You have a son?"

"I do." Yagami Sachi's voice brightened, and she began to talk about Light. Most of it was bragging. How long had it been since she'd been able to talk about Light like this? How long since she'd had anyone to hold conversation with her like this?

I felt a stir inside as they washed me. It was a stir of mortification, of shame. I was the lowest form of existence. I was feeling the old desire to have people approve of me, to have some of my old dignity as a human being. It was weird. Why did I care what Mary Oldsman thought of me?

It was the very same feeling I had whenever Light came to visit. I was beyond grateful that Light didn't get to see me like this, that only Yagami Sachi needed to see me like this. Like a fat, white leech. I felt horribly ashamed.

"I think the water's too hot." Mary Oldsman said as she scrubbed my cheeks. "Her face is getting red."

* * *

 **Night**

* * *

Mary Oldsman moved into my room. Today was a good day for Yagami Sachi. I could tell. Her mood was drastically improved. Taking care of me was a lot of work; I knew the resentment in Yagami Sachi's heart every time she wiped away the stains from my sheets. It wasn't like I was the one who wanted me around.

Instead of laying me in bed to sleep like I'd expected her to, Mary Oldsman had had me propped up on several pillows that had been laid against the bed's wooden back frame. She was a strong woman, to be able to carry me around so easily. Either that or I weighed nothing. Or both.

Then she began to talk to me.

"Hey Sayu. What do you think about Kira?"

I twitched. The Kira case had killed Yagami Souichiro. Kira was the reason Light was never around anymore. There was a deep surety in my mind that Light would never catch Kira. How did I know? It was obvious. If Light had had any chance at catching Kira, he would've died of a heart attack a long time ago. As much as I hated Kira, Light being alive was more important. I wish he'd visit though. He never visited. I have a suspicion Light didn't want to see me regardless of my mental state. I was a liability. So was Yagami Sachi.

"You know, ten years ago, I could never imagine the world to be the way it is now, and I'd known a lot about the world. More than almost anyone else, I'd wager."

Mary Oldsman paused, obviously expecting me to say something. I don't.

"There are no wars. Nothing blatant at least, and everyone is afraid of doing wrong. Kira's standards are becoming increasingly insane. Did you know a pickpocket whose name was mentioned in the back article of a paper died of a heart attack this morning?"

I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I hadn't read the news in a year, and Yagami Sachi never talked to me about Kira. She loathed Kira, despised Kira with all her heart, but she was also deathly afraid. Many people were. Kira was terrifying.

"It gets worse. Kira is taking over the media and international police now. Any and all crimes are to be publicly announced and delivered onto public news media. It's scary. A lot of writers and reporters have resigned. A lot of them stayed. And some of them-" Mary Oldsman laughed. It sounded very nice, even if I didn't get the humor. I hadn't heard geniuine laughter in my vicinity in a long time.

"Some of them put up resistance to Kira, denouncing Kira a dictator and usurper of free will and free speech. What's to stop Kira from declaring smoking a crime? What's to stop Kira from making laziness a crime? Kira can kill anyone and justify it." Mary Oldsman laughed again; a quiet chuckle. She sounded almost crazy. What was so funny? I didn't get it. "Do you know what happened to the writers who wrote such articles?"

Mary Oldsman waited, again giving me room to respond. It was obvious what the answer was. I didn't say anything.

"It's gotten to the point that Kira will kill anyone who doesn't agree with his point of view. More people are going to die, and no one is any closer to finding out who Kira is."

That's… I felt my jaw tremble. My thoughts went immediately to Light. Did this mean Light was in danger? He was definitely hunting Kira, but he wasn't publicly hunting Kira right?

Right?

I waited for Mary to give me the answer. I waited and heard nothing. I flicked my eyes toward the side of my bed, toward the floor where Mary had placed her sleeping arrangements, and saw that she was looking at me.

I immediately look away.

"I want to meet your brother. I want him here in this room with you right now. You care about him don't you?"

I almost nod, but the long habit of despondency saved me from doing so.

Mary Oldsman crawled onto my bed, forcing eye contact with me again. She was grinning. I defocused my vision. I felt threatened. Not that I cared. I wouldn't flinch if a knife was drawn at me. I would go gladly.

 _ **SHUT UP OR I SWEAR ON MY LIFE YOU WILL END UP LIKE HER**_

Hitomi had been at the floor of the van. Her neck had been situated at an odd angle. No movement. Nothing.

My breathing became heavy, and I was glad when Mary Oldsman retreated from my bed. Something about her reminded me of that man with the wild eyes and shiny, shoulder-length blonde hair.

"Is your brother cute?"

I could see Mary looking at me expectantly. I didn't reply, obviously. The last time I'd been asked that question had been in middle school. Is my brother cute? That was a horrible thing to ask someone's sister. Even if I hadn't become like this, I still wouldn't have answered. Gods, it must be her western culture. Maybe it was normal there to ask people if they thought their siblings were attractive.

"Fine. Don't tell me. I do need to see him though. We need-"

It was at this point that someone knocked on the door. "Ms. Oldsman?"

Had Mother been eavesdropping? I looked at Mary and saw immediately that she was asking herself the same question. Her eyes were wide with what looked like mortification, the smile was gone from her lips.

"Please come in. The door isn't locked."

Mother walked in. Her eyes were narrowed and a fake smile was on her lips when she looked at me. "Can we talk outside?"

"One moment please, Mrs. Yagami." Mary replied.

Mother looked at me again. I saw her mouth gape slowly as she realized that I was explicitly looking at her. I quickly tuned my eyes out of focus.

"You first, Mrs. Yagami." Mary Oldsman said as she neared the doorway. There was a moment of silence. Yagami Sachi's face was still fixed in my general direction, but I could no longer see the finer details.

"Oh uh. Yes. We can speak about this in the morning actually. Sayu looks tired. I'm just… a little worried."

"It's no problem, Mrs. Yagami. It's only natural for you to worry. Feel free to tell me whatever is on your mind. Just know that my priorities are the information regarding your daughter's circumstance and your daughter's recovery. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

There was a pause during which Yagami Sachi seemed to fidget. "So about the brain scan you talked about..?"

"I assure you the brain scans are harmless. A little bit of radioactive exposure not unlike the amount one would usually receive at the dentist's. Again, this test is necessary for the extension of the grant for this particular research project. The results will be submitted to the facility where we will determine the eligibility of this case. I can say that it's very promising. Mrs. Yagami. I firmly believe your daughter's disorder is purely psychological, and I'm certain that we will be able to pull through with the grant."

"Oh I hope so. Thank you, Mrs. Oldsman."

"No problem, Mrs. Yagami. And just Mary is fine."

Yagami Sachi laughed a polite laugh. "Right. You westerners and your first names. Good night, Mary."

"Good night, Mrs. Yagami."

The door clicked shut. There was a shuffling sound outside as Yagami Sachi walked to the guest room. The door to the guest room went shut with an audible noise from down the hall.

"Well," Mary came over and propped me into a laying position. "Since we're leaving at 6, we'll have to wake up at 4 to clean you up."

After getting me into position, Mary took out the lights. I heard her yawn in the sudden darkness. "Good night, Sayu. See you in seven hours."

I close my eyes.

 _Good night._

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

* * *

 **OK, so Mello is in this story. He coordinates the kidnapping of Sayu in canon, and, in canon, Sayu went into a state of shock after being rescued. Whether or not she's recovered is uncertain. And so here it is. Voila. Despondent Zombie Sayu. For those of you who read the original first chapter that I put out when I first published the fic, I found the original plot I had planned was too convoluted so I removed that chapter the first week after publishing this fic. Yeah that's all I really wanted to say. Thanks for reading! :-)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sayu**

* * *

They put me in a cylindrical container, a small chamber with smooth, plastic-looking walls and lights on all sides. I felt a little cold, even with the blanket draped over me; a shroud. If I were to die, this was the sort of coffin that I'd want to be buried in. Bright and happy, almost like heaven.

"Ms. Sayu, I'd like to ask you to stay perfectly still for the duration of the procedure. We'll be taking a few pictures of your brain. Can you do that?"

 _I can_. I thought. I could stay here forever. It wouldn't be a bad way to go.

After a moment of silence, the operator resumed talking. "OK, Ms. Sayu. I'm going to take the first photo. Don't move. OK?"

 _OK_

* * *

There was nothing wrong with my brain, even though that man had clubbed me over the head a few times. That was surprising. I'd thought they would find something to help further justify why I was like this. It was afternoon by the time we were finished with all the tests. Mary had been ecstatic when she'd heard the results. When was the last time I'd seen anyone so motivated for my sake? I thought of Yagami Sachi. I thought of the long hours of patient forbearance that she'd endured.

Mary was unique. She made me feel special. So had Yagami Souichiro, when he'd traded everything for me.

 _ **I'm sorry**_

 _Sorry…_

I focused on my surroundings. Mary's car was very nice. Clean and spacious, and its engine was quiet. I wasn't used to a car being so quiet. It felt nice to float along like this, to let my life be a transient blur. The alternative-

My mind shied away. There was no alternative.

Was Mary rich? I didn't really know anything about cars. I'd always biked everywhere I went when I had still been a student. It was good exercise.

Had been good exercise.

What was a wealthy woman like Mary doing wasting her time helping me? I was the pinnacle of human trash. I was a leech, a clump of living, decomposing matter that did nothing and contributed nothing to the world. I couldn't understand. There were so many other more interesting things, more useful projects, to invest in that wasn't me. Why? People like Mary, people who have inside them a deep fervor for scientific endeavors, were strange to me. They'd always existed. Some of the professors at To-oh University had been like that: people whose lives were dedicated to their research.

I could hardly believe Mary was one of these people. Shouldn't she be regaling me about all the discoveries she was excited to make? Shouldn't she be telling me about the most recent advances in the field of… whatever it was she was researching? The brain? Neuroscience?

Instead, she talked to me about boys, about her fascination with Ryuuga Hideki when she had been a middle school girl. She talked to me about her high school experience and how easy school had been. Her grades and her academic career had been so good that she'd been given leeway to go anywhere, to any school and do anything. It was really very strange, how similar to Light she was. We probably could have been good friends.

 _ **-LIKE HER**_

 _Hitomi_. Hitomi had struggled, and I think that man hadn't really intended to do what he'd done. It just sort of happened.

 **SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP**

Yagami Sachi woke with a groan when we got home. I could tell she was looking at me from my periphery. "Oh Sayu. There's hope. I'm so glad. I just want you to be you again. I'm so glad." She was about to carry me out when Mary came to escort her home. There was protest of course, politely proposed, but Mary was a perfect gentleman.

She came back to retrieve me moments later. I was a sack. A doll. I felt like a princess in her arms. A useless, pretty-much-dead zombie princess, but a princess nonetheless. I was reminded of Light, and I wondered what he was doing right now. Dad used to work late into the nights on really hard cases. It was probably the same for Light. He had to solve cases to make a living, but there was no doubt in my mind that despite his workload, he was also working on the most difficult criminal case in history. The Kira case. Light had no time for me, and that was good. I was a waste of time.

The thought didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I heard the familiar voice: smooth, cultured, intelligent.

"Let me help."

My mind went off like an alarm, heralding the presence of god. _Light! Light's home!_

I didn't want to be happy. I shouldn't be happy or hopeful or any of the positive feelings I felt when I heard that voice. I couldn't help it. My brother was finally home.

* * *

 **Mary**

* * *

A man appeared at the doorway of the Yagami residence, and the fingers of my left hand went numb.

"Let me help."

For a moment, I didn't recognize him. What I saw was a stranger wearing something that looked like business attire. His dress shirt accentuated his chest nicely. His jaws were clean and his skin looked perfectly smooth from where I stood, but if there was anything that impressed me most about this man, it was the feeling of symmetry that he emanated.

I realized I had been staring, and my heart did a double-take when I met his eyes.

It was _him_. I suppressed a gasp.

"Mary Oldsman was it?" he strolled out of the house towards me. "I'm Yagami Light. Sayu's brother. It's a pleasure."

For a moment, I considered dropping Sayu and tacking his head into the wall. An animal instinct. The instinct dissipated, and I was left realizing that I was at a disadvantage. Was I crazy or had he planned his appearance to be at a moment where I was physically burdened? He would have to be expecting me to attack him to think of such minutiae. Me. A complete stranger with no history or semblance of violence. There was no way anyone could be _that_ paranoid.

I couldn't stop staring. His eyes... do they really turn red?

He stopped inches apart from me with Sayu held between us. "Here, let me take her."

I snapped out of my trance, and the words came tumbling out of my mouth. "Oh. Hi. Sayu's brother. Right. I'm Mary Oldsman. Pleased to meet you. Here."

I practically dumped Sayu into his arms, and if he noticed how nervous - scared - I was, he didn't show it..

"Thank you." He said as he hefted Sayu into his grasp with ease. "I have many questions for you, Ms. Oldsman, and I would like to address them inside. Please, come in."

I nodded. My heart throbbed loudly against its organic walls. I could do it right now. His back was turned. I could go up and snap his neck. I knew how. I'd taken lessons. He has a notebook in his possession that he used to kill people. He killed Jay. _He killed Jay._

My hands began to sweat.

"Ms. Oldsman? Are you coming?"

My nerves fell away and I blinked. "Ah yes." I stammered as I stumbled forward "Thank you for inviting me."

I was losing myself. Control. I needed control. I couldn't screw everything up now. He'd appeared to be looking at me in a way that looked innocent and nonjudgmental. A facade, I'm sure. He had been sizing me up, taking in my appearance and my every move and gesture. The best villains are the ones who didn't look the part.

I made my way forward, and seeing that I was finally moving, Light turned away and disappeared into the house with Sayu in his arms.

I wasn't prepared for this. I'd expected him to schedule his appearance ahead of time so that I could be ready. Did Sachi tell him about me? That would warrant his coming home, maybe. As I entered, I heard Yagami Sachi's voice from further in the house. "Light? Light! You're home!"

I stopped at the doorway. My fists tightened, and my nails dug into my palms.

 _Yagami Light. You are insane._


	6. Chapter 6

**Yagami Light**

* * *

"I'm so glad. I think we've finally found someone who will really be able to help her."

"That puts my heart at ease, mother. I wish I could be the one to be there for Sayu, but-" I sighed. "No. it doesn't matter. You don't want to hear my excuses."

"I don't mind, Light. I understand. You come home whenever you can alright? And if you can't, don't worry about it."

"I won't, mother. By the way, you said her name was Mary Oldsman, correct?"

"Yes." Mother tittered. "If you weren't already seeing someone, I'd have recommended her to you. She's quite the woman. When are you and that Amane Misa going to get married anyway?

"Like I've said. Something like that would not be good for Misa's career. We're not certain yet."

A voice interrupted the conversation. "Light, who are you talking to?"

"One moment." I put a hand over the phone and give Matsuda Touta a glance. "It's my mother, Matsuda."

"Oh! Your mother! Haha!" Matsuda laughed. "Well I just finished reading the files and I'll put my summary right here." The man, my underling, placed a small stack onto my desk.

I nodded. "Thank you Matsuda. I'll take a look at it in a moment."

"Any time, Light."

I give him a smile and put the phone back to my ear. "Sorry mother."

"Oh nonono. I can see you're busy. Should I call another time?"

I glanced toward Touta Matsuda again. "Yes. I would appreciate that. Thank you, mother."

"Alright. Well. I love you, Light. Come home soon."

*click*

I blink and stow my phone away. "Is there anything else, Matsuda?"

"Huh?" Matsuda managed to enhance the usual look of confusion that he wore on his face. Interesting. "Oh. Yes. Uh. I was just wondering and I hope you don't mind me asking, but-" Matsuda ran a hand through his hair sheepishly, like a buffoon picking at its hair. "How's your sister doing?"

I peer into Matsuda's eyes for a moment. We breathed. There was silence. "She's as well as she can be. Thank you for your concern, Matsuda."

The man smiled. Ingratiating. Nervous. "O-Of course. Well… if there's anything I can do to help-"

"If you have time to worry over my sister, Matsuda, then you have time to review some of these cases." I gesture to the folders stored behind me. "I'll send you a memo."

Matsuda frowned. "Yes. of course, sir." he dropped his hand from his head and stood perfectly straight. Then turning on his feet, he made to leave my office.

"Matsuda, wait." I called. Matsuda stopped.

"Yes sir? Is there anything else?" He turned to look at me. I knew that look.

I give my longtime acquaintance the smile that had taken me years of practice to perfect. "I hope you understand. It hurts to have the subject brought up. We've tried everything from psychiatrists to- to magic healers. There was a doctor who even started torturing her to see if she'd respond."

Matsuda cringed at the mention of Kurotsuchi Mayuri. "I know. I know, Light. It was rude of me to presume that I could've done anything. Sorry for bringing it up."

"No. If anything, I should be thanking you for caring." I smiled again, and I could see Matsuda's spirit relax. Good. "Well, I have work to do. As do you."

Matsuda sighed, something he was always prone to do in the proximity of a conversation where Sayu was brought up. "Don't work too hard, Light."

I don't say a word as Matsuda departs.

I went to my computer and pulled open the global personnel database that I'd inherited from L. Mary Oldsman. The search narrowed down to two individuals, one was a fifty-two year old woman who lived in England and the other...

Twenty-six years old. Born in Japan. Flies out of the country at sixteen to attend a university in Canada. Finishes her doctorate in language and linguistic studies at twenty-two. Holds minor degrees in mathematics and computer science. Works for a small, no-name company. Probably self-employed. Her academic record was pristine; a genius by normal standards. Eight months ago, Mary Oldsman receives a large sum of money,

And now she was here, studying Sayu in the name of some organization that hadn't existed prior to her moving to Japan and doing work completely unrelated to the fields she had been studying all her life. Quite an abrupt change. There was no rhyme or reason to it. I performed another search and found that she had deleted her social media account, forcing me to waste a few minutes of my time to extract the information from the website's hidden database.

 _We've always been friends through good times and bad. Let me be a friend to you now. Mary. Talk to me. Call me._ \- Bennett Gustiano

 _We miss you. I miss you. Come back soon._ \- Jessica Deneuve

 _I know my son was very important to you. Losing him was like losing a part of ourselves. I know it's the same for you. If you need to talk, we're here._ \- Jihoon "Eric" Song

It wasn't long before I stumbled upon a familiar name and face: the son of Korean immigrants and a journalist.

Interesting.

At the end of the day, I gathered all the people who worked at my facility and made my announcement.

"I hate to do this, but some matters have come up at home; I will be taking a leave tomorrow to attend to them."

Matsuda had smiled at that. So did a few of my father's old colleagues.

I knew exactly what they were thinking.

"We can do fine without you for a day or two." "Go see your family" "About time you took a break."

"Thank you, everyone, for understanding." I bowed and the sheep were happy.

* * *

 **-Intermission-**

* * *

"Ryuk."

There was a long moment of silence. I looked up at Ryuk who was floating above my head and he stared back down at me with the same ever-present grin.

"I have a question." I said after another long moment during which Ryuk remained entirely silent.

He was playing some sort of game with me. I looked back towards my monitor where a number of news articles were opened and the names of the latest criminals were written. "Is it possible for a human being to be born with knowledge of the death note?"

Ryuk did not answer me, but he was still there, floating above my head and staring down at me from his place at the ceiling. I decided to try another tact.

"Ryuk. Do you want an apple?"

"Eh?" The Death God rasped. "Sure. How kind of you to offer, Light."

"Hm. _Kind_." I chewed the word around in my mouth. Standing to my feet, I went to the kitchen to grab my pet Death God his snack. It was always interesting to see Ryuk's amazing manual dexterity. It didn't matter how I tossed the apple. Ryuk almost always caught it. The exceptions were when I did things like deliberately tossing the apples straight down.

Watching Ryuk lick the apple off the floor was almost worth having to waste my time mopping up the remaining mess. Almost.

"Nope." Ryuk said as he ate his apple. "That's impossible."

"I see." I stared down at my death note. I'd filled only a single page today. One hundred and twenty names. It wasn't enough. They were hiding names from me. There was dissent in the press against Kira, and they were hiding criminals. Either that or crime was so nonexistent that there was nothing to report. It didn't matter. Better to err on the side of caution, to quash any and all resistance to Kira, then to risk there being injustices left unattended.

I'd begun tearing pages out of the Death Note so that it'd replenish itself. The pages were burnt, their purposes served. The names of those I've deleted had crumbled to nothing. It wasn't enough.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Grr! Fanfiction is broken and not sending out updates when I post new chapters. What the heck fanfiction?!**

* * *

I remember a conversation I had with Jay about reincarnation. I didn't really have a reason for bringing up the subject. Boredom. Curiosity. Whatever. Given time and the endless stream of subject matter to grasp from, any conversation topic was inevitable.

Jay didn't believe in reincarnation. In fact, he was as secular as any person could be. Funny, given my situation as a reincarnated human being. What did it mean for me to be reincarnated? I wasn't sure. I didn't really know anything about it. How did it happen? Why? Did it mean that Buddhism was the true religion? I wasn't sure (and I doubted the latter.) Obviously not every baby came out knowing how to drive or do multivariable calculus, but how did I know I was unique? It wasn't like I could read people's minds. Neither could Jay. How could he know that I wasn't someone else before I was born as Mary Oldsman?

Jay had been nonplussed at my conviction when I'd told him. He was absolutely certain reincarnation was a religious sham. It was funny and a little bit reassuring to watch him try to prove to me that I wasn't a reincarnation of someone else. I didn't want to be found out, and given Jae Song's sheer cliff-face of cynicism against all things occult, I was pretty safe in that regard. I'd even picked April 1st as the day to confront him about it just to be sure. My confession had immediately been taken as a joke that he'd played along with. I'd loved it.

The contrast between Jay and the man sitting before me were stark. Yagami Light would probably believe me if I were to propose reincarnation. Given his own dabbling in the supernatural, he would probably be more willing to believe. I didn't know how much he knew about me nor did I know what he wanted. From what I knew of the timeline of this universe, Yagami Light supplants L, _becomes_ L, after the death of the real L. I wasn't sure what kind of the software or databases L had had access to, but I was almost certain it was enough to find out everything about me given either my name or a picture of my face. It was why I'd deleted all my contacts and social media accounts. As long as all of my data was wiped from the social media companies' private databases as they were supposed to be, I was safe.

There were no grounds for him to consider me dishonest. I was born in Japan, and I'd traveled out of the country to find opportunity. I'd gotten the experience I'd wanted, and I'd decided that I wanted to come home. I had given my true name. I wasn't hiding anything; I was innocent.

So why did I feel so nervous talking to him? There was something about Yagami Light that was disconcerting. Something about the way he talked to me so casually made me feel tense.

"I wish I could convey my gratitude to you and the organization you represent for the service you are providing to my family. To my sister." He had a knife in his hand and he was peeling an apple and setting the peels onto the plate that sat on the glass coffee table between us.

There was something about the apple that was making my head spin. Something important.

"Yes." I responded and rested my hand on Sayu's wrist. "I hope what I find will help others like her."

Light began cutting small slices of apple from the perfectly peeled fruit. What he held wasn't an apple. It was an impossibly perfect sphere of white flesh. I couldn't help but gap. Is this man even human?!

Twirling the perfect apple-sphere in his hand, Light hummed and began to cut slices from it, depositing them on top of the apple's skin.

Light's Death God liked apples.

I stared at the apples as the revelation hit me. I'd almost forgotten about the Death God. What was its name again? I couldn't remember.

"Here." Light pushed the plate forward, offering me the apples. "Please take one."

"I-" The denial died in my throat. I reached forward to take an apple slice. "Thank you."

I looked at the digital clock sitting on the mantle behind Light and noted that it was 4:32 P.M. Yagami Sachi was in the kitchen preparing dinner. I'd been sitting with Sayu in the living room for almost ten minutes, and Light hadn't asked me a single question. Hadn't he mentioned that he had questions? I took an experimental bite out of the apple; it was very sweet.

"So, what do you do exactly?" I ventured after a long moment of silence during which I consumed the apple piece.

Light watched me. (WatchLight. An apt name for a surveillance system.) He looked relaxed. Amused, even. He uncrossed and recrossed his legs and flashed me a perfect smile that made my heart do a triple flip. My stomach immediately shrivelled in horror. _Traitor_.

"I'm a detective."

I heard a clang in the kitchen: the sound of a pot cover hitting some surface.

"I didn't know that detectives worked so much. From what I hear from your mother, you only come home a few times a year. Are your work hours so bad that you can't help take care of your sister?"

It was here that I notice a small movement, and I glanced quickly to my side. Yagami Sayu's eyes were focused on a single point. I look up at Light. He had to have noticed. The way Sayu stares at him was actually kind of scary.

The tone of his voice dropped slightly, giving me the impression of regret. "I'm the head of one of the top investigation teams in the nation. We receive hundreds of cases from all over the world every day. Every minute I'm not working is another minute that some nameless, faceless perpetrator of crime runs loose in the world. It is unfortunate, but the nature of my work leaves me no other option."

"No other option? I don't believe that." I looked at Sayu and noticed that her eyes had become glassy again. I felt like I should apologize for the implicit accusation I'd just made. I hated the feeling. I hated this. I was _not_ going to apologize to this evil, conceited monster. "What I do know is that your sister has strong feelings for you, stronger than what I've seen of her so far. I know you're not blind to the way her attention falls on you when you're in her vicinity! You should be here, with her. You should be-"

"Ms. Oldsman." Light interrupted, the smile that he'd worn earlier completely dissipated. "Do not presume to know me or my family."

D-did he just interrupt me?!

"I…" I wither under the man's gaze. "I'm sorry. I-"

I clenched my fists and felt tears threaten to well up in my eyes. My face felt hot as blood surged up my neck. I was furious. At myself. At Light. It was a wonder I could even smile. What a two-faced liar I'd become. "I am aware that you are busy, Yagami Light, but I hope you can consider staying for even just a few days to help with your sister's recovery. I believe your cooperation will be key to helping your sister recover a sound state of mind."

Despite the padding of words, the apology still burned in my mouth. My face felt hot and red. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. If I did, everything would be lost. Instead, I settle my eyes on Sayu. The girl had gone limp as a corpse and was no longer focusing her sights on anything.

Light set the knife down, and I couldn't help but make special note of it from my periphery, even as I watched Sayu act like a vegetable. "That is asking much, Ms. Oldsman. I can give you one week at best, and even that would be stretching it. If you could prove the effectiveness of your methods. I also hope you don't mind me questioning your professional background. I heard you went to school outside of Japan. Could you tell me more about that? Why did you leave the country?"

Here came the questions. I steeled myself and looked up to meet Light's eyes briefly. Then closing my eyes, I redirected my gaze elsewhere to make it look as if I were lost in thought. "I wanted to see more of the world, more than just Japan. I felt restricted here. I felt stuck, like I didn't really belong. The people here were just not suited to me. The tradition here and the environment… it was suffocating. It didn't help that I didn't look like a native Japanese girl. I was always _the foreigner_ , and you know what the culture is like. School… was not fun. I didn't like Japan, so I went out so I could seek my fortune, to forge my own path."

"I see…"

"Do you really?" I glanced up briefly. Light's eyes were very brown. I could definitely see how a certain light could give it a tone of red; the eyes of an evil man. "I founded my own company while I was there. We engaged in many explorative ventures and projects."

"Hm. A startup. How many people did you have employed?"

"Oh. Just me and my-" I clammed up. I could feel my blood begin to boil as the unspoken word was spoken in my head. "Me and one other."

"I see, and what ventures has your company engaged in exactly? My sister here is the subject of some kind of psychological study no? What credentials do you have in this area?"

"Ah." I blinked as I scrambled for the answers that I had half-prepared for this question. "Not much actually. I have a PhD in linguistics and minors in both mathematics and software engineering which I attained with the help of several full scholarships and grants. I assure you I am a well qualified individual, and I've been studying neurology and human behavior for a time now. A hobby of mine. The organization I represent, JapanNeuro, finds your sister's case interesting so they sent me. Clearly they think I'm qualified for the job."

I could tell Light wanted to pry some more, but he pauses a moment, offering me only a single "Interesting." before lapsing into silent thought.

Speaking about myself calmed me, distracted me. I couldn't discern what Light was thinking, and I was afraid to make any sudden move. Light was probably stronger than I was. Faster.. The knife was on the table. Me picking it up didn't mean I would be able to kill him. I needed control. I squeezed Sayu's hands lightly. The girl was as responsive as a sack of potatoes.

"Why did you come back? Did you not find the outside world satisfying?"

"I did."

"And now you're back here, in your home country. Why the sudden shift?"

"Why?" I repeated. I observed Light's profile for a moment. If I didn't know any better, I think I would've started crushing on him. The more I talked to him, the worse the feeling became. I hated myself. Eight months of planning and work to get to this point, and here I was being a _stupid, shallow bitch._ I didn't think it'd be like this. A visceral part of me didn't want to do it. It was such a waste. I would be destroying what was left of the Yagami family. I would be taking away Yagami Sachi's remaining source of pride and happiness along with what was probably Yagami Sayu's only chance of recovery.

"What made you come back?"

But it was nothing compared to the lives that Yagami Light had taken and will continue to take if I didn't do what I needed to. What did this man know about me? How much did he know?

"Ms. Oldsman?"

"What made me come back?" I repeated, suppressing a laugh. _If only you knew_. Or maybe he already did. Who knows? "I lost something I held dear to me. Someone I loved more than all that I had achieved in this life. There were too many memories. Our apartment. Our room. Our sh-shoes. O-our f-friends." My voice cracked and my vision became a wet blur. "Every street, every time I hear people speak... Kira killed him. Kira decided that he deserved to die because of an article he wrote. One article!

" _Why?!_ " I glared up at Jay's murderer. I was accusing him. I didn't care. I couldn't stop myself. I _needed_ to know "Why was he killed?! I didn't understand. Just because he didn't completely support Kira?! That's a disgusting reason to kill a man! Jae Song was not a criminal! He was a good person!"

I couldn't see anymore and buried my face in my hands. _Crap_. I wasn't supposed to burst out like that. Where was my control? What the hell is wrong with me? I fought my emotions. Eight months. You'd think the anger, the hurt, would have dulled by now. There were nights when I sometimes forgot my purpose, when I could say Jay's name and not feel a thing. Why did I have to lose myself now? _godfuckingdamnit!_ I was supposed to be in control. _Control yourself Mary!_

I sniffed and grasped blindly for the tissue box that was on the table. I wiped away the shameful display of waterworks on my face. When I was done, I saw that Light's countenance had changed. He looked… I didn't know how he looked. "Why?" I whispered.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Light replied, every move he made and every word he uttered giving off an impression of care and concern. "It seems certain traumatic events still linger in your memories. I didn't mean to help them resurface. I'm sorry."

"Kira kills more innocent men and women than all existing criminals put together. What is the point of doing that? Why can't Kira be happy with ending all wars and the majority of crime? I used to think Kira was good. I still do, but the number of innocent people he kills is staggering. He's worse than any serial killer in history. Justice. What a joke."

I was speaking too much. Even if he didn't know beforehand, he had to know now. An easy, educated guess, a possibility that he would entertain regardless of how unlikely it could be.

"Ms. Oldsman. Please calm down."

I bit my bottom lip and turned away. "I just wanted to be happy..."

"I apologize for prying. Let us speak on another subject."

I shook my head and smiled wanly. "The fault is mine for the sudden outburst." I took another tissue and stood to my feet. "I have some documents I would like you to peruse to help verify the authenticity of my- of my professional involvement in your sister's case. They are the same papers that I had your mother sign. I hope you will find added reason to extend your stay in those papers, Mr. Yagami."

Light's somber expression lit into a smile to match my own. "I hope the same, Ms. Oldsman."

I gave the siblings each one last look. Light's eyes were fixated on me. His fingers were interlaced and covering his mouth. Sayu, on the other hand, was as good as dead. I performed a small bow of Japanese courtesy. "Then, if you will excuse me, I will be back shortly." I said before stalking out of the living room.

I went up the staircase toward my room. Sayu's room. The room where I kept my briefcase. I thought back to Light's personal effects. Did he have a bag of any kind? I didn't recall seeing one. Maybe it was in his car. I was pretty sure Light carried either his entire Death Note or some piece of it with him everywhere he went. Not that I really needed either. Just plain curiosity is all.

I'd heard no sounds following me up the stairs, but just to make sure, I go the bathroom with my briefcase and shut the door. I locked it with a click and released the breath I realized that I had been holding.

 _Remember your purpose. Remember Jay._

I reach into the case to make sure things were where they were supposed to be. Folder of documents. Pen. Medicine. 30% concentration pepper spray. Kitchen knife

Check, check and check. I took a deep breath, flushed the toilet, and turned on the tap to wash my hand, all sounds I needed to make to avoid suspicion. I propped open the door. Everything ready. I was ready.

Light was sitting exactly where I'd left him when I got back to the living room. Sayu was staring at him again.

Creepy

I sat across from him once more, and reached into my bag to withdraw both the folder and my pen. "Here. Take a look." I reach across and half-drop, half-toss the folder and pen onto his lap. The distance between us was small. It would be almost impossible for the pepper spray to miss. My plan was secure. I'd tested the spray on myself to make sure that it worked. I had been on the floor for 40 minutes, regretting my life choices. Regretting everything.

The spray was a go. All I had to do after that was draw the knife and gut the pig, and I was done. It would have been easier if I'd had a gun, but a gun was impossible to carry in Japan.

Light picked up the folder carefully, his eyes lingered a fraction of a second on the briefcase sitting in my lap. Was I suspicious? Hell if I knew. With another moment's hesitation, Light began to read the contents of the paper. His eyes scanned the page quickly, and I knew that he was reading at the rate of almost a line a second. "I don't think-"

He started to speak before receiving a full blast of human repellent to his flawless face.


	8. Chapter 8

**December 22, 2007 - 4:36 PM - Yagami Household**

* * *

 _Why?!_

She'd cried, an uncontrolled emotional outburst, and the probability that she knew what I was shot up to 99%. I'd had the figure at around 90%-95% beforehand. She was asking me why I had killed her boyfriend, Jae Song. Anger. Loss. Despair. She was like an animal. I watched her as she left to retrieve her documents and quickly appraised her retreating form. I suppose she could be considered attractive. The knot of muscles on her lower leg was a telltale sign of exercise. This was a person who ran several miles every day. Her arms had also been firm, and having seen her carry Sayu out of the car, I had a pretty good measurement of her overall physique.

Unless she was specially trained to fight, I definitely had the upper hand. There was, of course, the probability that she was exactly who she claimed to be, that she had no ulterior motive for seeking out my family and, by extension, me.

1%.

Was this 1% worth accommodating for? Mary Oldsman represented a risk to me. A risk to Kira. Kira was too important to be allowed to face such a risk. Still, it was hard not to consider

My eyes flicker over toward Sayu.

Sayu stares at me.

A pity. Mary was a decent member of society. Law-abiding, smart, productive. Did these traits make it worth risking Kira? Perhaps. I wasn't exactly sure what she wanted. Even if she suspected me to be Kira, how much did she _really_ know about Kira? About the Death Note? Was she related to L? How did she get her information?

That Mary Oldsman could have connections to other parties that could know was a prospect I could not ignore. I had time. Three days to get the truth from her. It would be an interesting challenge, something I haven't really had much encounter with since L's death. The easiest way to test whether or not she knew of the Death Note..

Reaching into my shirt pocket for a pen, I couldn't help but smile. I glance at Sayu again. She's still staring at me in the same way. It was hard to believe this woman to be my sister, hard to imagine what she had been before she'd resigned herself to becoming a living, breathing leech.

I watched her as I carefully wrote onto the small scrap of paper that I kept inside my watch.

 _6:00 PM, December 24, 2007 - Mary Oldsman has a heart attack after revealing all her secrets._

I hear the toilet flush from upstairs, water sloshing down the pipes with several loud rattles and a squelch.

"Sayu." I say against the noise of plumbing.

Sayu stirs.

Interesting.

Ryuk floats from out of the ceiling, his wide, indiscernible smile ever-plastered on his face. "Yo." He greets me.

I don't reply, and Ryuk cackles. Like a prankster trying to hide a secret or a joke. Questions raced to the tip of my tongue and stayed there, unspoken. I couldn't. Not in this setting.

I hear Mary come down the stairs, the creak of the steps alerting me of her impending arrival. I was definitely going to stay for as long as I needed to get the truth from her. Whatever secrets she had, she wasn't going to be hiding them for long. There were many ways to go about it. Most of them were interesting. All of them had high probabilities of giving me what I wanted.

I felt a sudden urge to see Mary's reaction upon reading her own name, her own death. I probably didn't even have to do it on a real sheet from the Death Note. Her reactions could range from outrage at a badly played joke to, well, anything. If she really did know about the Death Note, about me, reading such a paper could cause her to do some very… _interesting_ things. I couldn't wait. Tomorrow. I would send her the note tomorrow. A harmless little joke.

Mary re-enters the living room, and a folder drops into my lap. "Here. Take a look."

I narrow my eyes at her lack of grace as she set her briefcase on her lap and retrieve a pen. She tosses the pen on top of the folder.

Whatever. I pick up the envelope and begin to read.

 _JapanNeuro_ was printed on the top. In English. Almost certainly a fake organization. I had to suppress an urge to laugh.

"I don't think-"

And then there was pain. Knives in my eyes. Fire in my throat. Sand Grit. I choke. I cough. I scream and fall forward.

 _Can't see._

…

 _Can't breathe._

 _I knew it.._

* * *

 **Mary**

* * *

I take the knife and rush forward. A pot cover clatters loudly from the kitchen and Yagami Sachi rushes in. "What's wrong? What's happening?!" Light flails about screaming like a wounded, rabid animal. A hand grips my ankles and a pair of watery red eyes glared up at me.

I hear Yagami Sachi's voice: "Light? What's wrong?!"

I kick away the hand and stamp down on the wrist, and Yagami Sachi screams. "What are you doing?!"

Light buckles and chokes. I loved it. I loved watching him retch. He tries to roll away, and I bring my foot and weight down on his skull before he could get very far. Light struggles and I kick his head a second time. The pathetic coughing and crying stops. Small rivulets of dark, brackish color trickle from that beautiful crown, and Yagami Light is still.

"Mrs. Yagami. Don't move!" I hold my knife to Light's throat. "If you call for any help, I will kill him immediately."

The poor woman gawks at me, her eyes fixating on the knife that I held so close to her son's neck as she considered her options. If she made any move to threaten my ability to achieve my goal, even a single movement toward me, I would sink the knife into Light's neck. "One move and I kill him."

Yagami Sachi nods. I stare at her carefully. I wasn't sure what to do next. I'd pretty much achieved my objective. I could kill him right now. It would be easy.

Too easy. I want to see him beg. I want to make him understand. I want to make him _suffer_. Yagami Light obviously didn't know who he was messing with when he wrote that name in his little notebook. On that note, there was something I was curious to try.

"Sit down Mrs. Yagami. And if you make me feel even a shadow of threat, I will put this knife through your son's eyeball. Do I make myself clear?"

Seeming to have gotten over her shock very quickly, Yagami Sachi's countenance smoothed. "Yes. I understand." The woman slowly sat herself down on the couch across the table from where I stood. "What is it you want, Ms. Mary?"

I give the little old lady a small grin. Dragging Light's limp form to the couch, I set him down next to his unresponsive sister. The blood running down Light's head stained the cushion a brackish color.

"Sayu. I'm about to kill your brother." I hold the knife to Light's throat, drawing a small trickle of blood as I break the skin under his larynx. "Beg me not to do it, and I will let him live."

Although her head hadn't moved, the girl's pupils were swivelled toward me. She was looking at me. Staring intently into my eyes. Very creepy. I stared back, keeping Yagami Sachi in my peripheral in case she tried anything.

"I'm counting to three, Sayu. Then I'm putting this knife through your brother's throat. _One!_ "

Sayu's eyebrows go up. Her eyes seem to widen just a little. My grin grew manic. I could feel it stretching my face.

" _Two!_ "

Sayu stirs. Her mouth twitched open with a ghastly look.

"THREE!"

I raise the knife high above my head in an exaggerated motion, and a loud, banshee-like scream issued from my side. A hand grabs me with unexpected, rabid strength, stopping the lethal descent.

"DON'T TOUCH HIM!" The voice screeched with ear-splitting pitch. "DON'T TOUCH HIM! LET HIM GO!"

Both the girl's hands were wound tightly around my wrist, the one holding the knife. It wasn't long, however, before her grip loosened, and the unnatural strength with which she'd held me quickly vanished, smothered by two years of muscular atrophy. I shoved her off with a quick jerk, and she falls, crumpling onto the floor. She redoubles her efforts and immediately leaps back up at me, this time only managing to reach my midriff.

So weak. Yagami Sachi stares unmoving.

"You think you can stop me, little girl?" I say with more than a little glee. I'd done it. I've done what all the psychiatrists and doctors couldn't do. I must be some sort of genius.

"Don't touch him." Sayu whimpers with her torn vocal chords, her voice now barely a rasp. "Please. I beg you. Don't kill him. I love him. He's my brother. My only brother. Please. Light is a good person. Don't kill him. Don't kill him"

I almost felt pity as the girl repeated her words to me, begging me with all her heart for my mercy.

Yagami Sachi takes the pause as an opportunity to speak. "Please, Ms. Mary. If this is an experiment to cure my daughter, it has gone far enough." The woman makes the declaration with a forced injection of firmness in her voice. "I want this to stop now, and I want you to explain yourself. I'm very close to making this a lawsuit against you and your company. Don't think I won't do it."

I let my attention switch languidly from the crying girl at my hips to the scared and now slightly angry woman sitting across from me, the mother of the monster whose head I held under my right arm. I laughed.

"Oh I don't care about the lawsuit or my company. I'm about to achieve what I came here to do, and here's a hint: it wasn't to help your mentally disabled, deadbeat daughter."

The serious look melted from Yagami Sachi's face, replaced by a slightly more imploring one. Sayu continues to cry. "Please." The girl repeats again almost inaudibly with her weak, croaky voice. "Please."

"What is it you want, Ms. Mary? Who do you work for? Do you have some sort of personal grudge against my son?"

"Yup. I'm going to kill your son for what he did to me." I press the knife back to the throat of Jae Song's killer. "Your son is Kira, and he killed my lover for doing nothing more than writing an article denouncing him. It wasn't even a Japanese article. It was written for a goddamned American magazine. Since when does your son read the Times as a goddamned Japanese man living in goddamned Japan?! Tell me, Mrs. Yagami."

I can see the woman already preparing to reason with me. She was going to tell me that her son wasn't Kira, that Yagami Light was a good boy, that he had so and so credentials and that he's done so and so for the good of the world or some such nonsense. She was going to tell me that I was mistaken and console me for my grief. Before Yagami Sachi could utter a word, I snatch Light's wrist and tear off his watch.

"I can prove it." I said as I fondle the watch frantically, looking for the secret compartment that I know is there. I hear Yagami Sachi begin to say exactly what I had expected her to say, That her son wasn't Kira. That he was good. Blabbity blah. I ignore her.

"My brother can't be Kira." Sayu sniffs quietly from below. "Don't hurt him. Please."

A click sounds and I pull open a small tray from the expensive-looking timepiece. Sitting in the tray was a scrap of paper, a piece torn from the Death Note. I pluck it up in triumph, letting Kira fall from my grip. His body slides off the couch and makes a thump next to where Sayu was kneeling below me. The daughter continues to grovel. The mother, however, has her eyes riveted on the thing I held between my fingers.

I stare at the scrap of paper as it unfolds and my heart jumps to my throat.

 _6:00 PM, December 24, 2007 - Mary Oldsman has a heart attack after revealing all her secrets._

It read. I almost choke as I read and reread the words, as I realize fully just how prepared Yagami Light had been; just how close I could've been to failing. Two days. I have two days to live.

I set the paper on the table in front of me and slide it a short distance, just far enough for Yagami Sachi to pick it up and see what it was.

"He's killed me." I blink disbelievingly, staring at the massive black figure standing behind Yagami Sachi. "He's already killed me…"

All eyes and teeth, it stared back at me with the widest, most terrifying leer I'd ever seen. My heart made another flop. "You're-"

"Ryuk my lady." The thing bowed with mock chivalry. "I'm Ryuk, and you have me seriously intrigued. I'd _love_ to know how you discovered Light's identity, and I'd be super grateful if you could tell me before you die. Who knows? I might be able to do something for you in exchange?"

Paper in hand, Yagami Sachi turns around and screams.


End file.
